It's just joining and having a conversation. But also, there seems to have some related developments like .hack//G.U.
Story may sound a bit "interesting", but it's like nothing different from SIGN and Roots combined together. (which is why I usually avoid fan based .hack fictions.). By the cover, it seems like you were trying to use "bracelet" or more so, trying to lead main character as the holder of some bracelet looking thing. If that's the case, that's just copying the story just changing characters. I am not saying you are plagirizing but the story would be too same that it'd be just boring. You seem like you are adding more details of character relationship in each chapters, but there aren't that much developments. (I'll point out as I keep reading couple of times over and again just to get which parts I was talking about)
Now, you wanted to write a fan fiction based and it seems like you are trying to make a third person novel fiction. Here is a thing. You are chopping off sentences too much. If you read it aloud, you'll know what I am talking about.
If you read this aloud, you'll find out that you've chopped couple of sentences which could have been into one sentence. (I've just read this aloud to make sure and it was too short in every sentence that I've had to breathe fast everytime and stop everytime) In other words, there were fragments. If this was a novel based style, then you have to work on it as a novel. You can drop every sentence down.She made her in-game character blink,so that she could see.
Ceity had somehow fallen over,and was resting against something.
She got up,and looked over.
She had fallen asleep her,while waiting for Crow to wake up after she had desperatly healed him when she found him dying on the ground.
She saw that she was leaning on his shoulder,against the cape he wore tied around his left arm.She looked up,and saw him looking at her,through the corner of his eye.
She blushed,realizing she had been sleeping against his shoulder,and tried to get up, only to rise to fast and fall backwards.
"Ummm.."She thought of what to say"..Your awake huh?
Also, it's keep saying "She" in every new sentence. That's a bad and dangerous way to write a novel. It's always good to mention the person's name again or say "The girl".
You said "When people do this as a job,it becomes easy.
I'm not doing this ne for money,just for fun,and it's coming out great. " But if this was out of dothackers of fan fictions etc, it probably was viewed as differently than you think. I've written over 6 scripts and it wasn't easy. Don't get it too arrogant about it. You may think it's easy, but it takes a lot of work to fix a lot of parts. If you don't care and you are just doing it for "fun", then anyone can just do it as well. But never say that writing scripts are "easy".
Also when you said writing isn't hard, writing IS hard. Even for a person who was all time PhD English writers can make mistakes. Aside from that, you use colloquial spellings, fragments almost a lot.
