.hack//Advent markings

[Azure crow]

Before you look at these,remember that I am the worst person in the world to ask to colour things in.

These are the first scetches of Deity and collection(and no,collection ISN't very imaginative)



Deity:


Collection:


There ya go.I'll make better ones..ones that ARN'T bare scetches.

[Wolfy]

it looks good. i cant draw loco like dat

[Azure crow]

You really want to see him?Well then,I'll get to work.And if you feel like drawing pictures of Deity and collection(keep there clotheing and such as is)then be my guest,but let me see them before you post links or images here.

[Wolfy]

oooo! Maybe, if u can, can u try n draw loco too? Not trying to like impose or sumtin but juz askin. my own art style is like in a way small things n stuff. lol

[Vlaidmare]

I'll see if I can't come up with a drawing for Vlaid. ^.^

[Azure crow]

thanks everyone.If you want,you can put fan art and such for the characters I mention on here.

[Azure crow]

Chapter 5:Regeneration
(POV:Deity/Crow)


Deity opened her eyes.She was sitting at her desk,the character she had created was also asleep.The virtual Deity had her eyes closed,so she could't see through the goggles without blinking.
She thought about the irony of her name in and out of the game.
Because of an incident involving a near extermination of an entire school she was in,Deity had been placed into a wittness protection program,along with 3 other students of her university.The one who had done it was never caught,but has caused electrical systems around the university to go haywire.
He family had been a rich one,and in this day and age there were plenty of places where mechanics and robotics controlled almost everything,and her school was a graphic's university,the most expensice in the country.
She had been told to choose a new name for herself,but was scared sensless at the time.
The name that was lables to every one of the government files and documents concerning her.
She had quickly choosen a name when it happened,and ended up being named "Deity".
She had been scared into her house,locked in,for almost half a year,as the person who caused the malfuntion,who had been given the name "Grace" by the massage that flashed on the school screens,was never caught,and the other 2 people she had heard came out of the incedent had gone into a coma soon after.
She found peace of mind playing the online game called the world R:2,but it was soon shut down.
Then the "New World" was released,and she took to it intsantly.
She named her new character "Ceity",to reflect herse;f in the game,and made her the opposite of what she was,down to the hair colour.
She found that ironic sometimes.

She made her in-game character blink,so that she could see.
Ceity had somehow fallen over,and was resting against something.
She got up,and looked over.
She had fallen asleep her,while waiting for Crow to wake up after she had desperatly healed him when she found him dying on the ground.
She saw that she was leaning on his shoulder,against the cape he wore tied around his left arm.She looked up,and saw him looking at her,through the corner of his eye.
She blushed,realizing she had been sleeping against his shoulder,and tried to get up, only to rise to fast and fall backwards.
"Ummm.."She thought of what to say"..Your awake huh?
Good.that means your ok then!!"
He got up,and looked at her directly.
He had alot he wanted to say,but not enough words to express any of it.
"Thank you...I guess you spent a fourtune healing me..."That was all he could think of..and he was usually good with words.
She was shocked,she hadn't thought he would have thanked her.Sfter all,and personm would have done the same.
"It was nothing!!"She got up"I always have as many healing items as I can,for safty."She was still blushing.
He looked around.He was suprised he was alive,and here none the less.
A question came to Deity's mind
"What exactly happened to you?Your HP went down for a long time,and you didn't have any status effects to cure.
Are you OK?"
She reminded him of a girl he used to hang out with,in the real world,when it was just the 6 of them together....
"Now it's only me.."he muttered to himself
"What's only you?"
"Oh...."He realized he had been looking down."Nothing,just a few people I used to hang out with."
She didn't hink she was getting anywhere in this conversation,in fact she was getting kind of sad about the whole ordeal,but she was always emotional when she just woke up anyway.She decided to cahnge the subject.
"Hey,I've got an idea!!!Why don't we go to an area?We can complete it,talk,share our thoughts..you know...have a sort of adventure together!!"
He thought for a moment.
"No.. have things I need to do.
I'm sorry.
But another time,I may be up to it."
He gated out of the area.
"Well.....you know what Crow..."she said to herself"I'm willing to wait for you.."


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sorry about the long talking scene,I got caught up in the spirit of the thing.I'll finish the chapter soon.
I'm also going to add more characters soon enough.

[Azure crow]

Soon I'll begin again,but I've been caught up in everything around here latly.
For new people who are only reading new posts here,please read this and vote on the pole and/or leave critisism,and check back every so often if you like it.

[Azure crow]

Alloy logged in for his first time.
He had chosen a Death reaper as his class,but it didn't interest him much.
He had been given a special prize from his old character.His old data was damaged in an accident when an area had deleted it,so CC corp gave him a new character,starting at lv 20,to confinsate his lose.
They had also programed in a new proto type program,add-on V.6,to test it.
The program basicly allowed him to do quests to get a new feature called "build-in skills" added to his character when he completed cetain quests.
The managment said they would send special Keywords to him to test the new type,and that he was now an official 'test dummy" for the new system.
No other character had this yet.
He was flattered almost,but concerned for obvious reasons.
"The names means this has failed 5 times before......oh man....lame..."
He walked to the chaos gate,and inputted the words Delta Walking.Moon sets.Requeim.,and set out to play his character there.

[Azure crow]

Chapter 6:Heartfold


Collection walked around town Mac Anu.
She had enjoyed the tournament with Loco.She found it rather easy to talk to him,and he had opened up easily to her.
She wandered town,until she came to the tower in the middle of the town,which had been added in the R:3 upgrade.
She went to the top,and sat down on the balcony at the top,which was several hundred feet above ground level.
She couldn't feel it,but she knew that there was wind up here.
Her hair was moving in the wind,sometimes crossing her line of vision,and her characters clothing was moving with the wind.
She wished she could feel it.
She thought about what Crow was doing.
"He must be doing something important right now.....he always is..."She thought to herself outloud.She looked up at the sun,and closed her eyes.
She thought again about wishing that the wind was real.
She stood there for what must hav been at least ten minutes,then turned to leave,only to see a familiar face in the tower stairway entrance.
"Huh....what are you doing here?"
A black haired edge punisher was standing tall in the doorway,who collection had met several months before.
His name was Ratha.
He was always popping up when she least suspected it.
And he was always interested in what she knew about Crow.
He wasn't nearly as much of a secluse as Crow though.
"Hey Ratha!!How are you?"She liked talking to him to.He always listened.
"Not much"He replied"Just here following a lead."
"About Crow?"She asked as she put her hand up to her mouth,almost as if she was about to chew her knuckle.
"Ya.He was supposedly here,for more than 4 hours the other day."He walked over and rested his forearms on the rail on the edge.
"I've been thinking.What does Crow do when he goes off on his own?"She asked,figuring he would know.
He didn't answer,he just looked at her,smiled,then said"Stay healthy!!"Then he logged out.
"He may be more social,but he talks about as much as Crow does in the long run."
She was always thinking about Crow when she was logging in,but she was starting to get to know others more than as just aquaintances now.
Ratha,and Loco.The first REAL players to talk to her as a friend,and open up to her...as much as Ratha did open up.
Still....neither of them care...all Rtha does is ask questions and say that I should stay healthy..and Loco probably forgot me already..."
Not much had changed in "The World".

[Wolfy]

Go on, its rly good!

[Azure crow]

I've been preocupied with something that me and Mgi,the Azure Infinity,have been doing,so I hope my work hasn't suffered latly...I'd be sure to try to tie in more du geons,more fights,and more "out of the system moments" soon.
And for storyline perposes,I'm going to have Deity and Collection meet each other......for no apparant reason......
for all those that alreadt know what happens to collection,enjoy her time here while you can....

[Azure crow]

Chapter 7:JOT



Azure Crow logged onto another Area.
It was a dungeon style area,with stone walls and a stone roof,made to look like a cave.
There were holes in the ceiling,which is where light was provided from.
Crow looked forward in the dungeon,then stepped into the first room,only to find that there was nothing else in the room.
No chests,crates,barrels,or monsters.
Even the Chim door had been unlocked.
"Someone else must be here..."He thought to himself.
He proceded through the dungeon.

---------------POV shift------------------------

JOT was wandering through the same dungeon as Crow,without knowing he was there.
JOT was a data manager,some one who was like a moderator in the world.
They had extra access to areas that others didn't,and equipment that others couldn't get in most cases.
He was here investigating a creature called a Data Bug.
He had alrady cleared alot of the dungeon by this point,and had take a detour to go into a back part of the last floor.
He heard a screa, come from another room.
He ran past every monster party that he encountered,and made him way towards the Screaming player.He could tell it was a female voice.
He arrived in a room with a single female player being attacked by a monster that looked as if it should already be dead.
"Hold on!!"He shouted,as he mounted a special headset with a viser in front of one eye onto his character.
He saw the Creature through the Viser,it was a Data Bug,one of two that he had been looking for here.

"It's a rare one.."He thought to himself,then pulled out a sythe and lunged at the creature.


----------------------------POV shift-------------------------------

Crow had made his way to the last room.
The monsters around the last part of the dungeon were not already dead, like the one at the start,but he figured that the other player or players must have simply been killed off by a party here.
He went into the beast statue room.to see a huge creature hulking over the statue.
This creature was usually refered to as a Don Elephant,but Crow could tell the difference.
This creature had green and red patches on it,and had data eroding at the middle of those patches.
This was another data bug.
Crow drew his sythe,and held it towards the cretaure,
While on the other side of the dungeon,JOT was slicing Fruitlessly at the Data Bug he had encountered.
But both of them knew what they were doing.
After all,one was a Data manager and one could be called a "god" in the world.
But Neither of them cared.
This was what they had o do.
Crow lunged

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dum Dum Dummmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!
Dram,Action,a steriotipical screaming girl,it's all here in .hack//Advent Markings!!!!!!!!

[Jakal Of Twilight]

((sorry to interupt, thanks for putting me in the story, its the same thing, but it your viewponit! thanks for putting me in here!!))

[Azure crow]

No problem:)
and for anyone who is confused by what a POV shift is,POV satnds for point of veiw.

[Jakal Of Twilight]

its going great so far,more, more, more!

[Azure crow]

I'll get to it,just wait.

[Rykar]

Hmm.... So far, the story hasn't been developing that much.

It's just joining and having a conversation. But also, there seems to have some related developments like .hack//G.U.

Story may sound a bit "interesting", but it's like nothing different from SIGN and Roots combined together. (which is why I usually avoid fan based .hack fictions.). By the cover, it seems like you were trying to use "bracelet" or more so, trying to lead main character as the holder of some bracelet looking thing. If that's the case, that's just copying the story just changing characters. I am not saying you are plagirizing but the story would be too same that it'd be just boring. You seem like you are adding more details of character relationship in each chapters, but there aren't that much developments. (I'll point out as I keep reading couple of times over and again just to get which parts I was talking about)

Now, you wanted to write a fan fiction based and it seems like you are trying to make a third person novel fiction. Here is a thing. You are chopping off sentences too much. If you read it aloud, you'll know what I am talking about.

She made her in-game character blink,so that she could see.
Ceity had somehow fallen over,and was resting against something.
She got up,and looked over.
She had fallen asleep her,while waiting for Crow to wake up after she had desperatly healed him when she found him dying on the ground.
She saw that she was leaning on his shoulder,against the cape he wore tied around his left arm.She looked up,and saw him looking at her,through the corner of his eye.
She blushed,realizing she had been sleeping against his shoulder,and tried to get up, only to rise to fast and fall backwards.
"Ummm.."She thought of what to say"..Your awake huh?

If you read this aloud, you'll find out that you've chopped couple of sentences which could have been into one sentence. (I've just read this aloud to make sure and it was too short in every sentence that I've had to breathe fast everytime and stop everytime) In other words, there were fragments. If this was a novel based style, then you have to work on it as a novel. You can drop every sentence down.

Also, it's keep saying "She" in every new sentence. That's a bad and dangerous way to write a novel. It's always good to mention the person's name again or say "The girl".

You said "When people do this as a job,it becomes easy.
I'm not doing this ne for money,just for fun,and it's coming out great. " But if this was out of dothackers of fan fictions etc, it probably was viewed as differently than you think. I've written over 6 scripts and it wasn't easy. Don't get it too arrogant about it. You may think it's easy, but it takes a lot of work to fix a lot of parts. If you don't care and you are just doing it for "fun", then anyone can just do it as well. But never say that writing scripts are "easy".

Also when you said writing isn't hard, writing IS hard. Even for a person who was all time PhD English writers can make mistakes. Aside from that, you use colloquial spellings, fragments almost a lot.

[Jakal Of Twilight]

Rykar wrote:

Hmm.... So far, the story hasn't been developing that much.

It's just joining and having a conversation. But also, there seems to have some related developments like .hack//G.U.

Story may sound a bit "interesting", but it's like nothing different from SIGN and Roots combined together. (which is why I usually avoid fan based .hack fictions.). By the cover, it seems like you were trying to use "bracelet" or more so, trying to lead main character as the holder of some bracelet looking thing. If that's the case, that's just copying the story just changing characters. I am not saying you are plagirizing but the story would be too same that it'd be just boring. You seem like you are adding more details of character relationship in each chapters, but there aren't that much developments. (I'll point out as I keep reading couple of times over and again just to get which parts I was talking about)

Now, you wanted to write a fan fiction based and it seems like you are trying to make a third person novel fiction. Here is a thing. You are chopping off sentences too much. If you read it aloud, you'll know what I am talking about.

well its just a fanfic, not a oscar winnig anime show. its a bit confusing but do you know who write th .hac stories, like 100 japanise dudes who spent like 1.5 years working on it so i dnt expect ti to be perfect! it jut a fanfic and i dont think he ever aked anwhre else than the pole for some negative critizism so just keep your thought to yourself

[Azure crow]

If you look through something and only look for errors,you can't breathe in the real story.
I've released 4 novels into the media,so I know what it's actually like to write one,this is something I'm doing in my spare time.

I never said that script writing in general was easy,but I did say that when you do it for a living,or on the side,it becomes almost trivial.
Of course,it varies from person to person,depending on how creative you are.


I would like to thank you also.
You are the first person who has posted critisizm,although I had to lure you here to do it,and I've been asking people to give e some for a while now.

And this isn't just a character swap of the old media's from .hack//,but I'm not going to release the story for obvious reasons.